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07 May 2007 @ 04:36 pm
It seems the clickcaster links for Connections and The Day The Universe Changed have gone away. Fortunately I had saved the streams before they went away, and so I have posted them to tpb for easy downloading. Now... it's still uploading over Fruity's adsl line (read: very slow), but it's better than nothing.

The shows:
  1. Connections (torrent)
  2. The Day The Universe Changed (torrent)

For those that are not as familiar with torrent files, I still recommend Azureus as a decent client. It allows you to select a specific file (episode) in the torrent to download at a time if you want, to get the first episode faster.
Current Mood: tiredtired
31 March 2007 @ 03:17 am
If you have not see the wonderful shows Connections and The Day The Universe Changed by James Burke, I highly recommend watching them.

I know many of the topics covered are well known to many people, but that's not really the point. He talks about how discovery happens, how they lead to each other, and how they change society and the world around us. Connections talks about things vertically, following a thread of innovation and discovery through history. For example, "The Wheel Of Fortune" covers how the modern industrial system of interchangeable parts came about through a chain of discovery, starting because the Caliph of Baghdad got sick on a particular week. The Day the Universe Changed is the opposite, looking at things horizontally, at all the innovation that happened because of the forces present in a specific era.

Fortunately, Mr. Burke has put all of both shows online. I don't think I have seen such a well-put-together understanding of so many disjoint events before. At least they seem to be disjoint - the obviously are not after Mr. Burke gets done explaining things. All science shows should aspire to this level of quality.

(note - the links to the show I gave above are listed in reverse order; start at the bottom of the page)
Current Mood: surprisedsurprised
Current Music: MSBR - The Final Harsh Work 22
Been avoiding posting for a while, but this is too good to pass up:

I highly recommend watching In My Language (8:35), a video as written, acted, and produced by an autistic woman. It contains first a bit "spoken" in her "native language" (language is not necessarily the correct concept), and later explained in English. It is probably the best explanation/example of that type of thought I've seen, and has a very well spoken political/social message as well.

The basic idea of the political message, I believe, is a similar one that I have argued about in other forms - the idea that things like lifestyle, sexual orientation, lifestyle, drug use, language, and other defining characteristics of a person all represent different modes of thought. It can therefor be said that arguments affecting these topics are really trying to affect/restrict thought itself. The request put forth in this video is very simple - to ask that "normal" people try and learn a little about other modes of thought, instead of demanding that "incorrect" thought be pushed away. Conformity has always been the major opponent of various civil rights issues in the past; this is probably an angle that many people have not considered before, though.


On an unrelated note, I also highly recommend the movie PRIMER to anyone who hasn't seen it yet. (torrent) It won the Grand Jury Prize at Sundance in 2004, on a budget of only $7000. Easily the most accurate depiction of the engineering discovery/creation process put to film yet.

I suggest taking notes on a 2nd viewing - it will take at least that much effort to follow the plot. From the wiki: "Anybody who claims they fully understand what's going on in Primer after seeing it just once is either a savant or a liar." (note - don't read the wiki. Even the table of contents is a huge spoiler) A few physics refresher courses on Feynman Diagrams may help with the graph you'll need to draw to fully understand the movie...
Current Mood: impressedimpressed
Current Music: Ashane - Zealous Entropy / Chrono Trigger
04 December 2006 @ 06:18 pm
alive, and not a zombie. though the hypovolemic shock at a bp of <50/20 for a while was interesting.

I guess I'm ok for now. More to be posted later as I get time.

For now, I can re-enforce this was not about anybody in particular, just a total lack of goals/end-states/whatever in my life. Sigh.
Current Mood: scaredscared
Current Music: Clean - Depeche Mode
01 December 2006 @ 12:06 am

For those that don't know the works of Jean-Paul Sartre, Huis-Clos is his canonical existentialist work, "No Exit". It contains the famous line "L'enfer, c'est les autres", or, roughly, "Hell is other people".

This seems a motif of my life lately. So many people offering advice for the totally wrong topic, ignoring the more base-level issues of the mess that is my life, head, whatever. A typical conversation seems to be of the form:

  • Friend: You look bad, do you need any help?

  • Me: Wha? *loopieness*... I'm nowhere near that level of sanity yet

  • Friend: Ok, then - you'll be ok!

  • *nothing happens*

There are several problems here. First, I know I seem to have the ability to speak English and Logic rather well, even in a highly messed-up state. I have had many philosophical conversations when drunk, and I suspect that carries over here. This leads to an exagerated sense of well-being, I think. "He can talk ok, most of the time, so everything must be ok." Of course, the only times I am talking with others is when things are doing better than average, highly weighting the results.

Also, advice on the order of "how to do high-level things" is useless when I can't even get myself fed on any sort of regular basis. "Addressing the wrong problem" seems endemic.

(asside: I exclude Kenneth from this, as he has nicely offered his truck and help moving as necessary, which was a good, productive observation I am very thankful for. Now if I could only figure out how to get to that level...)


I now have apx 35-min of legal paid rent left in the house I'm in right now, and zero money. Technically, I need to be out in a half-hour or cough up several thousand dollars and such. I know there's potential negoations possible with the landlord, but that would be that "social interaction" and "telephone" thing again, both of which I have severe panic-attacks about right now. So that's not happening.

I don't even know of the possiblity of any type of job I could work towards - I cannot do any computer work for the forseeable future, and my skills in anything else are next to zero. Especially when you combine it with the fact that I cannot work in any sort of social environment, or I'll just spend my entire time freaking out.

This brings me to the only solution I know of... I'm going to try and check-out of this bs we call life again. The world is going to hell in a handbasket, the USA in particular is rather rappidly turing into Nazi Germany, I have no prospects, no place to live, and nothing in life I really want to do anymore. Hell, I finally finished fucking "Freebird" on Expert on GH2, so even that goal is finished.

Well, I've been pre-loading on clonazepam and EtOH all day, and have a large bottle of those here, plus a gram of crappy mexican black-tar. That plus the EtOH (thank you Hendricks and the wonderful Une Sapine) and anything else I can find lying around should do the trick.

So... screw all you "friends". I've been really blatent about these issues for over a month, and I'm lucky to get a sentence or two here and there. Hell, I've only gotten a couple fucking hugs over it. This only leads me to the conclusion that there is nothing left that is interesting for me here in life. (asside: of course, I'd love to see the new B5 movies coming out on DVD and such, but there is always new art coming out. That's a never-ending process)

I've spent the last N years (10+? who knows...) pushing myself harder and harder in an effort to get a stable position in life, and help those around me. What has that resulted in? Me being waaaay beyond strung out, and "friends" that just want more and more. I guess trying to be generous doesn't pay in this world. Not that I didn't know that already, but I hopped that some of the nicer friends would be past that a bit. There is still yet to be a single one that has cared enough to /do/ anything about it.

Hmm... there's a couple left-over beta-blockers and ACE-inhibitors! Lowering blood-pressure should help in this project!

Ok, I have the mp3 player queued up with this, which should be appropriate:

1MinistryThe Fall
2Concrete BlondeBloodletting (the vampire song)
4XORCIST#1 Crush (Garbage) - I would fucking die on an opium orgasm mix
5Depeche ModeSweetest Perfection
6Depeche ModeClean
7Depeche ModeEnjoy The Silence
8Miranda Sex GardenA Fairy Taile of Slavery
9The CureWatching Me Fall
10The CureBloodflowers
11The CureFigurehead

ok... that shoud be enough to go off and die to. I have the very last ep of B5 queued up, too... "Sleeping In Light" is all about finality, conclusion, revelation, taking responsibility, and building your future. I have been building my future for years, and that's it. No more.

I've loved most of you a lot... *cries*

I really don't want to do this... I wish there was another way, a way, a plan, something, where someone could take charge for a change and fix my life for a bit. I've done it for others for years, so it'd be really nice if I could have it for a change. I stongly doubt it, though...

Goodbye, everybody. There was a lot of good points here... I always knew I would die young, and so I tried my best to live each second to the fullest. It took 30+ min to write this, so I'm now 30-seconds into "illegally squatting" on this house. Time to go finish the job...

Again, goodbye...

Remember, there's a 100ug LSD minimum for my funeral or whatever (or equiv in other hallucinogens, or maybe very high dose of other fun drugs, if LSD cannot be found. about 3-4 hits of meth-freebase should count... or perhaps a full gram of diacytlemorphine mainlined...)

Anybody at the funeral/wake/whatever that is NOT drugged up to the gills is obviously not one of my friends, so kick them out, please!

/me does the last gram of of heroin, and really hopes it does the job

if it doesn't, I guess it's a trip to SF tomorrow to find a bunch more...

goodbye, again
Current Mood: Highly Suicidal
Current Music: Tomorrow Wendy - Concrete Blonde
20 November 2006 @ 01:34 pm
A short Thanksgiving Prayer, quoted here for those that do not want to deal with the annoyance that is youtube:

For John Dillinger
In hope he is still alive

Thanks for the wild turkey and the Passenger Pigeons, destined to be shit out through wholesome American guts —

thanks for a Continent to despoil and poison —

thanks for Indians to provide a modicum of challenge and danger —

thanks for vast herds of bison to kill and skin, leaving the carcass to rot —

thanks for bounties on wolves and coyotes —

thanks for the AMERICAN DREAM to vulgarize and falsify until the bare lies shine through —

thanks for the KKK, for nigger-killing lawmen feeling their notches, for decent church-going women with their mean, pinched, bitter, evil faces —

thanks for "Kill a Queer for Christ" stickers —

thanks for laboratory AIDS —

thanks for Prohibition and the War Against Drugs —

thanks for a country where nobody is allowed to mind his own business —

thanks for a nation of finks — yes,

thanks for all the memories... all right, let's see your arms... you always were a headache and you always were a bore —

thanks for the last and greatest betrayal of the last and greatest of human dreams.

William S. Burroughs

As on topic today as it was when he said it Thanksgiving Day, Nov 28, 1986.

I suppose this savage destruction of these dreams can be easily explained in the quote that opens Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas:

He who makes a beast of himself
Gets rid of the pain
Of being a man.

Dr. Johnson

It is easy to make a beast of yourself, and it is obviously the standard method of dealing with pain, not only with the American Dream, but humanity itself.
Current Location: With the rest of the Beasts
Current Mood: cynicalcynical
Current Music: Ministry - NWO
25 September 2006 @ 12:44 pm
A wise man once said:

A verbal agreement is worth the paper it is printed on.

Normally, this is "common sense", especially in the area of people doing legal maneuvering. Not so at a certain .gov, apparently.

They just spent the last hour or so saying one thing and blatantly, in the very same sentence, contradicting it. Most companies have signed documents stating their intentions, so there is no legal question. This did not happen, only a lot of hot air, so I'm not certain exactly what has happened, other than my lack of a paycheck (I think? I'd guess that, but weasel statements are hard to read). They claimed this is an "temporary administrative leave", yet every indication shows they are trying to fire me without actually firing me.

Fine, as the tit-for-tat ideal solution goes to the Prisoner's Dilemma, they get legal games in return. I can't really post details, as it looks like I have to get lawyers involved now. I hate that... but it seems the desire for it or something. I would say it was Cover-Your-Ass policies, except that they obviously failed on that by not having any written docs, and that theory was contradicted by much of what they said. Of course, it is a .gov, so it could simply be Very-Incompetent-Cover-Your-Ass procedures, but that's just a vague theory based on what the stereotype of .gov employees. Who knows.


Now I need a lawyer. Anybody know one? One that deals with employment issues and/or the ADA, as according to my doctor I qualify under that now or something.

...and for that matter, seeing as I don't really want to go back to work with these idiots again in any case (hey, who knows, they could come to their senses... but I doubt it, for some strange reason @.@)

Which brings me to: does anybody know of any job opening that is available?

I'm highly proficient in all things computers (software, firmware, systems, security, IT, whatever), but there is a voice in the back of my head telling me to get the fark out of the computer industry before it totally destroys my mind. I have no idea about other options, though. The music industry is right out, as it's worse politics than the computer industry, and I'm not going to ruin it or cooking by making them jobs.

I don't know much of other options, though... sigh. A CSE degree doesn't help in many other areas.
Current Location: "Not At A Paying Job"
Current Mood: stressedstressed
Current Music: Front 242 - Headhunter 2000 (Frontline Assembly mix)
16 August 2006 @ 07:57 pm
So the surgery is over.


That seemed to go pretty well the day of the event, though the paper-signing people you have to talk to first were kindof freaked I actually wanted to read the multi-page, tiny-font documents before I signed them. Sigh. When I woke up, the anesthesia wore off in <15 min... very nice stuff. The only thing it left me with was a nasty headache, but that was probably from the surgery itself. (oh, and it left me with a horrible ripped up throat, but that was from the intubation-tube... no way around that, though)

Because my BP was still like 160/90 (obviously), they shot me up with a couple syringes of a beta-blocker and Demerol, so that day was just fine. ^_^ Yay for nice nurses that jump on the opportunity to drug you up.

The doc only gave me the usual crappy 5/500 hydrocodone/apap mix, and it did nothing after the anesthesia wore off. Well, that's not exactly true - it made me sick to the stomach, but that was probably in part from all the bleeding down my through my nose was doing. So... today the pain hit hard. I couldn't see straight for most of the day form the blinding pain from the right temple to my upper teeth. Probably a sinus-pressure problem. The doc was an ass over this... "It's supposed to hurt - just eat your Vicodin!" Well, when you already have, and it's not cutting the pain at all, that's not a great response to hear. So we went to the (nice) GP and he gave me promethazine for the stomach issues, and 30 of the larger oxycodone/apap mixes (Percocet)! Yay! So now the pain/etc is down to a sane level, more or less.

Still bleeding like mad, though, from the right sinus/etc. Blarg. Hopefully it will go down soon... I'd like to be able to breath through my nose again. @.@
Current Mood: Highly Medicated
Current Music: Ministry - Just One Fix
04 August 2006 @ 07:20 pm
Damn him to hell.

Bark At The Moon is fscking evil.

But, finally:
Current Mood: relievedrelieved
Current Music: Guitar Hero victory-riff
02 August 2006 @ 01:54 pm
Apparently the pre-op for the nasal-surgery is monday, which usually implies that the actual surgery will be the day after. "Fun". At least I should get some fun pain-killers out of it... ^_^

This has scared the sleep-doc a lot, though - he tried to get other surgeries the ENT was doing bumped so they could get me in this week. That many-sigma-out AHI number must have really been frightening.
Current Mood: boredbored
Current Music: Me, trying to play Slayer on the piano...