For those that don't know the works of Jean-Paul Sartre, Huis-Clos
is his canonical existentialist work, "No Exit". It contains the famous line "L'enfer, c'est les autres"
, or, roughly, "Hell is other people".
This seems a motif of my life lately. So many people offering advice for the totally wrong topic, ignoring the more base-level issues of the mess that is my life, head, whatever. A typical conversation seems to be of the form:
- Friend: You look bad, do you need any help?
- Me: Wha? *loopieness*... I'm nowhere near that level of sanity yet
- Friend: Ok, then - you'll be ok!
- *nothing happens*
There are several problems here. First, I know I seem to have the ability to speak English and Logic rather well, even in a highly messed-up state. I have had many philosophical conversations when drunk, and I suspect that carries over here. This leads to an exagerated sense of well-being, I think. "He can talk ok, most of the time, so everything must be ok." Of course, the only times I am talking with others is when things are doing better than average, highly weighting the results.
Also, advice on the order of "how to do high-level things" is useless when I can't even get myself fed on any sort of regular basis. "Addressing the wrong problem" seems endemic.
(asside: I exclude Kenneth from this, as he has nicely offered his truck and help moving as necessary, which was a good, productive observation I am very thankful for. Now if I could only figure out how to get to that level...)
I now have apx 35-min of legal paid rent left in the house I'm in right now, and zero money. Technically, I need to be out in a half-hour or cough up several thousand dollars and such. I know there's potential negoations possible with the landlord, but that would be that "social interaction" and "telephone" thing again, both of which I have severe panic-attacks about right now. So that's not happening.
I don't even know of the possiblity of any type of job I could work towards - I cannot do any computer work for the forseeable future, and my skills in anything else are next to zero. Especially when you combine it with the fact that I cannot
work in any sort of social environment, or I'll just spend my entire time freaking out.
This brings me to the only solution I know of... I'm going to try and check-out of this bs we call life again. The world is going to hell in a handbasket, the USA in particular is rather rappidly turing into Nazi Germany, I have no prospects, no place to live, and nothing in life I really want to do anymore. Hell, I finally finished fucking "Freebird" on Expert on GH2, so even that goal is finished.
Well, I've been pre-loading on clonazepam and EtOH all day, and have a large bottle of those here, plus a gram of crappy mexican black-tar. That plus the EtOH (thank you Hendricks and the wonderful Une Sapine) and anything else I can find lying around should do the trick.
So... screw all you "friends". I've been really blatent about these issues for over a month, and I'm lucky to get a sentence or two here and there. Hell, I've only gotten a couple fucking hugs over it. This only leads me to the conclusion that there is nothing left that is interesting for me here in life. (asside: of course, I'd love to see the new B5 movies coming out on DVD and such, but there is always new art coming out. That's a never-ending process)
I've spent the last N years (10+? who knows...) pushing myself harder and harder in an effort to get a stable position in life, and help those around me. What has that resulted in? Me being waaaay beyond strung out, and "friends" that just want more and more. I guess trying to be generous doesn't pay in this world. Not that I didn't know that already, but I hopped that some of the nicer friends would be past that a bit. There is still yet to be a single one that has cared enough to /do/ anything about it.
Hmm... there's a couple left-over beta-blockers and ACE-inhibitors! Lowering blood-pressure should help in this project!
Ok, I have the mp3 player queued up with this, which should be appropriate:
|2||Concrete Blonde||Bloodletting (the vampire song)|
|4||XORCIST||#1 Crush (Garbage) - I would fucking die on an opium orgasm mix|
|5||Depeche Mode||Sweetest Perfection|
|7||Depeche Mode||Enjoy The Silence|
|8||Miranda Sex Garden||A Fairy Taile of Slavery|
|9||The Cure||Watching Me Fall|
ok... that shoud be enough to go off and die to. I have the very last ep of B5 queued up, too... "Sleeping In Light" is all about finality, conclusion, revelation, taking responsibility, and building your future. I have been building my future for years, and that's it. No more.
I've loved most of you a lot... *cries*
I really don't want to do this... I wish there was another way, a way, a plan, something, where someone could take charge for a change and fix my life for a bit. I've done it for others for years, so it'd be really nice if I could have it for a change. I stongly doubt it, though...
Goodbye, everybody. There was a lot of good points here... I always knew I would die young, and so I tried my best to live each second to the fullest. It took 30+ min to write this, so I'm now 30-seconds into "illegally squatting" on this house. Time to go finish the job...
Remember, there's a 100ug LSD minimum for my funeral or whatever (or equiv in other hallucinogens, or maybe very high dose of other fun drugs, if LSD cannot be found. about 3-4 hits of meth-freebase should count... or perhaps a full gram of diacytlemorphine mainlined...)
Anybody at the funeral/wake/whatever that is NOT drugged up to the gills is obviously not one of my friends, so kick them out, please!
/me does the last gram of of heroin, and really hopes it does the job
if it doesn't, I guess it's a trip to SF tomorrow to find a bunch more...